


StarkTalk Radio

by riddleinacapitalm



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bruce Banner & Tony Stark Friendship, Dialogue-Only, Gen, Pre-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Science Bros, Talk Shows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-09
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-03-29 16:00:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3902251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riddleinacapitalm/pseuds/riddleinacapitalm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony Stark and Dr. Bruce Banner take the mic to answer questions about technology, human evolution, space exploration, and the future of science in the face of magic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	StarkTalk Radio

tony talking

bruce talking

* * *

Alright, so you all know who I am.

Probably not the best way to start

Come on, that's the _best_ way to start this.

I'm Bruce Banner, this is Tony Stark, and we're—

Taking over your favorite talk shows and making them _better_ —

We're hosting StarTalk—

StarkTalk!

Are you going to let me—

I think I'm good. You were saying?

We'd like to thanks Neil deGrasse Tyson for not getting bent out of shape for being and allowing us on this special episode of StarTalk—

Science Bros edition! Where we’ll be answering viewer questions on engineering, genetics, and how magic is not real and Gods are just a title we gave to aliens thousands of years ago, and how theologists can suck my—

Let's just get to the questions. Okay, our first question is from theborgcontrol and is about _evolution._

It exists. Bam. Done.

No one here is going to argue with you about that, Tony. The question is involving human evolution. 'Because we are replacing so many aspects of our daily lives with technology, what will become of humans as we no longer are pressured to evolve with natural selection?'

That's what we're starting off with?

That's what we're starting off with.

I mean, anyone will be able to rationalize this themselves.

Then rationalize away.

I mean, the phrasing of the question itself is kind of skewed.

You mean how it says we aren't going through natural selection?

Exactly. Just because we aren’t breeding out our pinky toe doesn’t mean things aren’t at work.

I think think it was at Cornell where researchers analyzed nearly 12,000 genes from 39 people and a chimpanzee, and found that about 9 percent of the human genes examined were still undergoing rapid evolution. The genes in question were involved in immunity, sperm and egg production, and sensory perception. So let's focus on the immune system for this first. This isn't the age of the where our predators are big and snarly and trying to eat

Well...

For the most part. On a daily basis, our battlefield is happening in our bodies without our seeing it. The flu, viruses, the mad cow scare. People with the immune systems and means to survive are going to live long enough to procreate. Even the recent influx of immune system disorders are argued to be caused in part by environmental changes could be a part of our natural evolution. Some bodies are better equipped to handle our "unnatural" world, ones with lesser allergies, stronger immune systems...

And back to technology...

I'm surprised you didn't jump right in with that.

You and me both. I mean, when humans were making spears out of rocks and turned from prey to predator, were they forsaking evolution? A sea otter using a rock to break open shellfish to eat isn't corrupting the data of natural selection, intelligence is a survival trait as much as opposable thumbs.

Let me throw out an example. We're tribal creatures, have been as far as history documents. Would you say that living in community alters our natural selection? Let's say a child gets the flu. Their mother goes to the doctor and gets medicine, the kid lives. That kid grows, becomes a scientist, and discovers the cure for cancer and saves billions. Are we corrupting the data, or however you want to phrase it, or are we enabling the survival of our species?

Am I the only one thinking of the bible thumpers praying around dying people in their basement?

Don't make me green.

Next question! This one for both of us. Bruce, you go first. What is your _greatest invention?_

I don't really think of what do as inventing. Most of what do is with the intent to solve problems, help people, meet the demands of society. A lot of it is just little things. Contingency plans. Tools to make things run a little more efficiently. I guess my most notable invention recently was the cancer analyzer.

Oh yeah, that's a good one. Explain it for the viewers, you got it patented, right?

Patents are the bane of the scientific community. But that's not for this podcast. It doesn't have a name yet, but it basically analyzes the genes in a tumor. With that we can predict how it will behave, and develop better treatment plans for the patient.

Brilliant, Banner, absolutely brilliant.

Thanks, Tony.

The eye was a good one too.

The eye wasn't mine.

It was our baby, you mean. After —

The incredibly classified thing, yeah. It's still in testing stages

Damn medical safety procedures.

Don't knock safety, Stark. Basically it's a retinal prosthesis intended for legally blind adults.

It allows people to detect light and dark in their environment.

It's not a perfect fix, we're far off from it. Not that not seeing from your eyes is a _problem_ and that being unable to use your eyes means that you can't see.

You should do all my press conferences for me.

Not on your life. What's your greatest invention then?

You mean the ones that aren’t tied up in nondisclosure agreements?

I don’t even need to answer that. But you need to answer what your greatest invention is.

Iron Man? The Iron Legion?

Iron Skillet?

I'm making a cookbot when we get home. But yes. Basically all my inventions are extensions of my soul. Are there greater components of one part of my soul rather than the other? Can I quantify that, or just embrace my true self?

Right. Next question. This one is a fluff question by flyingwinner.

Oh yay. Lemme read it. In Superman, a comet was headed to crash into the Earth and he moved the Earth out of orbit. In the likelihood that Apophis does intend to smash into the Earth, could we do something similar?

No.

Hell no.

We don’t want that. Even if the science was there, and I’m not saying it is or isn’t, we would not do it. No one in their right mind would do it.

Superman is an idiot.

We like Earth’s orbit. We know it. The reason Apophis is something that we’re thinking about is because of the knowledge that generations of scientists have devoted to learning how we interact with the universe.

Altering our orbit on a whim would crap up everything. I’d sooner fly out in a Starksuit and blast Apophis out of the sky.

Get Thor to fly out and fry it.

We'll test Hawkeye's aim in outer space.

Natasha will intimidate it out of existence.

Cap'll lecture it out of the way. So basically _fuck_ Superman—

This is PG-13, Tony, we’re only allowed one f-bomb.

And I regret _nothing_. Next question.

4teachemistry asks, ‘Do you believe in intelligent design?’

Is teachemistry referring to the fact that there are aliens thousands of years old that are humanoid in shape?

Considering Thor dropped down on Earth long enough ago to integrate him and his family into the entirety of Norse mythology, I think we’re more Asgardian then they are humanoid.

This...

Don't start, Tony, not again.

What the _hell_ did Thor and his manly men in tights-

Armor and cape aren't tights, even if you're just trying to tie this into pop culture—

The universe was formed as a _body_!? We're called Midgard because we're the _stomach_ of existence? We all live in a tree. A _tree_. I don't know if his babel fish—

Allspeak—

Is getting some things lost in translation, but all of this is _bullshit_. Magic and God and all that shit is one big _copout_ —

Star Talk, the Avengers, and all affiliated parties are not reflected in any of the opinions Tony expresses throughout this podcast—

Have you heard Thor talk as if his dad actually _formed_ the universe? Even though before there were these things that looked like dark elves running everything, so his Big Bang was more like the colonization of space, and then when I ask him what came before the dark elves he just talks like a fu—like a fairytale. I’m not looking for a bedtime story, I'm looking for facts, and all he’s giving me is Shakespeare in the park.

Intelligent design?

_Whatever_

Okay. Next question, from meditationonion: Is there life on other planets in _our_ galaxy?

Classified.

_Tony_

[Sigh] Okay. Let’s put it this way. Neil deGrasse Tyson is an astrophysicist. Jane Foster is an astrophysicist. I’m a mechanic. Bruce is a biochemist, nuclear physicist, and an expert in gamma radiation. All of our fields of study are very tied in to the Earth. Until the Vulcan touch down inviting us into the Federation, I don’t care if there are Martians watching us like a reality show. Ask again when this is StarTalk, not StarkTalk. Ooh, I like this question. 12gobescan asks, ‘How close are we to skype-ing across dimensions?’

I thought this was StarkTalk, not StarTalk.

Don't be cute, Banner, and answer the question.

Well, dimensions are a big no right now.

But we're working on it!

Well, not us.

Someone's working on it!

I don't know if that's classified. Is that classified?

Not our work, not my problem. Communication between galaxies though, we are working on it. Hell of a roaming fee though. So far it's just been us shouting to some guy on Asgard and hoping that he hears us. It's pretty archaic.

So through no fault of all the people fielding the questions for us, there’s this word ‘classified’ that keeps popping up.

I don't believe in that word.

Regardless, for the fairness of the viewers we _can_ disclose what topics are off limits for this podcast.

[sigh]

We aren’t going to talk about the specifics on the super soldier research.

Although we can talk about our Steve Rogers research. What he’s getting up to, how he takes his coffee; the few of you who aren’t following me on twitter may not know about the trending hashtag, #captainbooty—

We also aren’t going to talk about arc reactor technology, Iron Man technology, national secrets, Hydra technology, anything about SHIELD at all really—

We’re here for science, not politics.

We can talk about Asgardian magic though!

Not. Magic. Physiologically they are capable of feats that less informed minds might see as magic.

See Norse mythology.

But isn’t there a passage in the bible talking about how snakes are a big mystery?

Steve would know.

We don’t read the bible. We’re men of science.

We're getting off topic.

Asgardians. Magic. Yes. Asgardians either are made of energy or can harness energy.

Well we’re all made of energy if you want to get down to it.

Right, whatever, but what we consider magic is just a manipulation of energy that most ordinary humans aren’t capable of. Physiologically we are interacting with the world differently. Birds fly. Bats use sonar. Thor can conduct electricity by flexing his muscles and roaring a little bit.

If we want to get back to the evolution question, that could be a future step. In a few centuries, we could all be harnessing that energy like those we describe as magic users today.

But it's not magic.

And we have a few more questions! Tony, this is kind of an opinion piece for you from haustrust.

Opinions? I have plenty of those.

'Some people are calling Elon Musk the Tony Stark of his generation. Are you receptive of the idea of passing down the legacy?'

Wow. Well, I could go with the response that would be appropriate for the image I’ve created since I was creating genius in diapers and say that I cannot be defined by a generation, and that I do not have a legacy, because to have one would mean that I could be defined at all. Elon Musk is brilliant, yes, but he’s not a Tony Stark. He’s an Elon Musk. This is the age of innovators, and to create anything you have to look past what’s already been done and look to the future. We both have incredibly different viewpoints on what direction the world needs to progress, and we need those different viewpoints to move society forward as a whole. Tethering him to me and my accomplishments is more of a noose than a compliment.

That was surprisingly thoughtful, Tony.

Why thank you, Bruce.

And we have a question about the next step for technology by mechanicalmezcal. ‘With the Avengers being called superheroes, alien invasions, and everything else that’s happened in the past few years, this has been called the age of miracles, where the impossible is now status quo. What’s next for us ordinary humans?’

Good question Mezcal! I guess I can only speak for myself and SI when I say the focus is clean energy. Sustainability.

Climate change.

Humans are progressing in their abilities, and it’s our responsibility to try and clean up after ourselves.

If we can protect the Earth from aliens, we should be able to protect the planet from ourselves.

That was deep, Bruce.

Thanks, Tony. And we have a question about life with the Avengers. Jamboyplayboy.

[snort] The answer is yes, it _is_ one big slumber party everyday, and we _do_ wear Avengers brand onesies.

Right. Anyway, jamboyplayboy asks, 'Tony and Bruce, you both are the scientists of the Avengers. Is it like being on a team with a bunch of jocks? Is it hard dumbing down everything for your teammates, especially when half of them don’t even understand modern technology?'

Hoo boy.

Yup.

Wow.

Well, I mean, we both are the scientists on the team. That's correct. We do have PHD's. But that's a piece of paper, not... a determinate of our intelligence? I don't understand how to answer this.

I know what they want us to say, and I know that even though the others probably won't listen to this, soundbites will be taken and they're going to twist our words no matter what we say.

Should we answer at all?

Eff it. First of all, just because half of them are ripped and all of them are attractive doesn't make them jocks. I mean, I'm ridiculously attractive, too, and even though Thor _is_ kind of like that one exchange student who crashes frat parties and drinks everyone under the table—

Thor is thousands of years old. _Thousands_. His formative education spanned our lifetimes. He knows how his world works, and when he bothers to talk science he knows what he's talking about.

And Hawkeye is surprisingly perceptive.

Are you trying to be funny? Cause the name, and everything.

Well he got it for a reason. He can grasp scientific concepts just fine. He’s a big picture guy.

Yeah, he’s the one who figured out the… The classified thing before any of us. You know what I’m talking about.

Yeah, saved all our asses.

And Black Widow never really lets on how much she understands what we talk about, but she’s always able to function in the space she’s in. She’s probably brilliant. Well, she’s brilliant, but probably more than we suspect. Unless she doesn’t want the world to know she’s brilliant, in which case she’s average. Completely harmless.

And she’s almost as good a hacker as I am. Almost.

Not a safe bragging topic, Tony.

I guess we’re supposed to be making Capsicle jokes with this question, right? Cause he went to school during the depression, didn't grow up with the internet, he's an art student, so ha ha, we have to dumb everything down for him, he doesn’t know what a toaster is.

Maybe when we first met each other and Cap was a week out of the ice things were a little hard. But after that he caught up pretty quick. He knows what a toaster is.

The guy’s a walking contradiction, though. He dived headfirst into the technological advancements humans have made while he was in the ice, but gets downright jittery when I offer to put repulser technology in his boots.

That’s not contradictory, that’s self-preservation, Tony. Anyway, he’s a good listener and a quick learner. He even shared some secondhand insight on a classified thing that was pretty helpful.

Oh, and JARVIS took him through some tutorials. He codes now.

He’s working on a crowdfunding site intended for universal healthcare.

What? He is? How would that even work?

Yeah, it sounds like a tall order. But there are benefits to interacting with someone with a fresh perspective on the current state of our government.

Fresh isn’t the word I’d use.

Because of inappropriate jokes that don't promote team harmony. But he was quick to notice that the healthcare system was a mess, though, and people are quick to forget that he grew up in a poor immigrant community with a nurse for a mother. He has a unique opportunity to be able to address the harmful conditions that are still prevalent in many communities today.

Isn’t this podcast supposed to be about us? This is like the longest answer to any of the other questions. Where are all the other questions about us?

That was actually the last we had time for.

That’s bullshit.

Thanks for listening! I’m Bruce Banner, and it was great hosting Neil deGrasse Tyson’s—

StarkTalk. Stark. Talk.

Right. We're done.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry to anyone waiting for another chapter of We All Live in a Capital I, but I saw AOU and the bromance was too strong.
> 
> A lot of this was thought of while listening to Bill Nye on StarTalk Radio, because Bill Nye is beautiful and podcasts are my thing. And Neil deGrasse Tyson is beautiful.
> 
> Wanna know more about [apophis?](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/99942_Apophis)
> 
> The prosthetic eye and the cancer-assessing genome are [real!](http://health.clevelandclinic.org/2014/01/top-10-medical-innovations-for-2014/)


End file.
